Cinch Up the Girls

Woman wearing a bra

If you, like a lot of women, have been waiting for your girls to get bigger and you think you’re going to be starting menopause any day now–you probably have every reason to safely assume that yours are not ever going to get any larger–at least not in this life. The good news is that there are an almost infinite number of things you can do–products you can buy, etc. that will give you the illusion of being heavily endowed in the bra area. There are some that are absolutely insane, and freaky and who in the world knows how they would ever work? Here are some to get you in the “mix” – you decide which ones might be better left unshared.

  • The Vibrating Bra: This bra is purported to increase breast size after just wearing it for seven days. It works magic by vibrating. They say it works. Hmmm…
  • The Chinese Corset: This one is shown on a Youtube video, and it’s difficult to tell exactly  how it works–it’s all in Chinese–but there appear to be pads within the corset that sit on either outside of each boob, and when you cinch up the laces of the corset, as you move up to the last loops, by pulling them together, the laces somehow pull on the pads, which force the girls inward to each other, creating…cleavage!
  • The Xtreme Bra: This one is basically a second bra, without cups. It’s worn around the bottom line of the bra and under the boobs and forces everything way up, up and up!
  • The Shopping Bag Bra: How Clever! This one, you cinch up to wear as a bra–all the way to the market–and once there, somehow reach up into your shirt, blouse or dress, unhook that baby and slip it down–or out one sleeve, un-cinch, and voila–you  have a sexy, shopping bag that will make you one sexy shopper! The merchandisers share that they created this wonderbra in an effort to call attention to the serious need to use less plastic than is currently being used to make grocery bags. Yeah.
  • PanGao Breast Enlarger: This bra has two perfectly symmetrical half-spheres that can be inflated or deflated according to the size desired by two separately-controlled switches located right where the cleavage would be. OKK.
  • BraLief: The adjustable bra strap–made of elastic and can adjust to your comfort level, making it more comfortable than any other bra, or so they say. And if you need more strap length, you just clip two or more together.
  • Breast Vacuum Natural Enlargement Treatment: Hard to tell what language this one is–sounds a bit like French–but what happens is two glass jars are placed on the girls, and suction is applied to suck them into greatness. Flat is starting to look really good right now.

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